Ocean waves have crests that rise up, creating a tall point in the wave cycle, and a trough in between crests that creates a low point in the wave cycle. The taller the crest, the deeper the trough. So it is with Porch Pirates: for every high cinematic point in the film there is an equally low cinematic point. It really makes the film pretty frustrating to watch because the film offers a lot to want to like, but rarely capitalizes on it.
It’s the holiday season in a sleepy Texas town and the town has been besieged by a gang of nonviolent criminals looking to make an extra buck illegally by stealing delivered packages from unsuspecting families and reselling them. When the mayor’s recently delivered Beanie Baby—valued at $20,000—is stolen by the porch pirates, three detectives already assigned to the case kick the investigation into a higher gear.
The concept behind the story written by Justin Chaffee, Jeff Hamm (who also directed, edited, and produced), and Jay Dee Walters is a sound one that capitalizes on increased claims of porch piracy in the news and social media. It’s timely. Why not write a script about it? So this trio did. But the script is chock full of awkward dialogue that does not flow particularly well, especially in the hands of mediocre actors. And there is a heavy reliance on the machinations of deus ex machina and similar devices to get either the detectives and/or the porch pirates to the next step in the plot. A moment that sticks out to me is when detectives Marcos (Phil Mendoza) and Jack (Walters) decide to go home instead of following the employees of a pizzeria they suspect are part of the porch piracy ring when the suspects leave work, even though Jack commented earlier in the day about new suspicions about these employees (they had originally visited the pizza shop to ask about a different employee).
There is a vast chasm of skill and charisma between the actors. I took immense delight in the talents of Mendoza, Walters, and Kara Rainer in the roles of detectives Marcos, Jack, and Sally. Phil brought the necessary gravitas to the role of widower Marcos, still struggling with grief long after his wife died of cancer.. Jay brought much of the comic relief in a delightful way (though one joke went much too far, like the one joke by Korg at the end of Thor: Ragnarok). And Kara brings the right energy when her character is introduced into the mix. On the other hand, most of the pirates were not impressive, or they were impressive for the wrong reasons. Only Ryan T. Johnson as “Sticky” seemed to bring a decent talent to the pirate scenes.
There are strong production values at play in Porch Pirates. There is a clear attention to the cinematography with a series of really great establishing shots of the sleepy Texas town in which the action occurs, and images are pretty darn clear. Credit to Director of Photography Paul Michael O’Connor. There is a strong positive effort to create a series of interesting images throughout the film and there is a pretty nice sheen over all of it, so a lot of positive attention was paid in this department. Visual effects were nice, too.
I also found the music by Erick Schroder to be a great asset. At some points, Schroder deftly weaves Christmas carols and sea shanties together. It was terrific. However, his easter egg tribute to Vangelis’ iconic Chariots of Fire score really fell flat for me.
Porch Pirates offers a strong story idea, good chemistry between its protagonists, and the technical composition really works pretty darn well. On the other hand, the execution of the story, and the uneven performances of the pirates makes it a frustrating watch. Porch Pirates mostly does not suck.
Directed by Jeff Hamm.
Written by Justin Chaffee, Jay Dee Walters, & Jeff Hamm.
Starring Phil Mendoza, Jay Dee Walters, Kara Rainer, Ryan T. Johnson, Candace Kirkpatrick, Noah Archibald, etc.
5/10 = WORTH WATCHING, BUT YOU’VE BEEN WARNED (IT MOSTLY DOES NOT SUCK)
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