Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) is a fun-loving priest who is passionate about his faith, his community and his parents. Without any warning, one day both of his parents die right in front of him and his outlook on life is forever changed. He suddenly begins to question his own faith and is talked into going on a trip to relax his mind in the one place that God would refuse to follow him, China. While on his trip he encounters an artifact that allows him to transform, making him The VelociPastor. When Doug meets a local hooker, Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), he is convinced that his newly found power is not a curse like he originally believed it to be, but a chance to rid the world of some truly horrific individuals.
Just based on the name, I think it’s quite clear what audiences should expect from The VelociPastor. The film is riddled with horrific CGI, bizarre dialogue and a story that will make even the most accepting cinephile cringe. Within the first minute or so of the film, what I had already expected was confirmed. The CGI, if you can even call it that, literally made my jaw drop. It was like I temporarily lost the ability to control my facial expressions, but became aware of the fact that my reactions were truly laughable. I’ve seen some horrible films, including Birdemic: Shock and Horror, but I believe that The VelociPastor takes the cake as the most poorly produced films I’ve ever encountered.
The acting is something unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It is beyond horrific, and I struggled to appreciate anything that is said or done throughout the film as a result of this. Cohan and Kempinski are two of the worst actors to ever take part in film. Their performances are cringeworthy from the start and lead audiences down a path of destruction and loss--and I mean destruction of brain cells and loss of time. The VelociPaster serves no other purpose other than to waste time. I’m not often bored when watching films, as I am typically optimistic that something entertaining will come from watching, however, I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into boredom, failing to find any actual entertainment within the film.
The one and only thing that The VelociPastor has going for it is Brendan Steere, chief editor of the film. As everything else regarding the film fails, Steere’s ability to piece together some extravagant scenes makes parts of the film worthwhile.
With everything The VelociPaster has going against it, it still manages to fall under the category of “so bad it’s good.” It is one of those films that fails to possess any real substance and it is nearly impossible to accept the fact that someone thought creating this film was a good idea. Much like the Sharknados and Zombeavers of the world, I am sure that The VelociPaster will generate a cult following that will last for generations. Expect nothing and you shall receive. This film fails harder than any film I’ve seen before, but there is something about it that doesn’t allow you to look away.
Written & Directed by Brendan Steere. Starring Greg Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Claire Hsu, Aurelio Voltaire, Fernando Pacheco De Castro, etc.
⭐⭐/10
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